I came across this draft version of a post I started October 19, 2011. Almost five months ago. I remember all these thoughts. I remember how I felt:
I am not asking, "Does this dress make me look fat?" hoping you exclaim quickly how beautiful I am. I am dumping my heart. Maybe the ugliness can float away as the feelings grow into words.
I see masses of failure when I look at myself. At least when I am feeling the way I am right now. I see the anorexic who really wasn't that thin. I see the star pupil who was accepted to the Naval Academy but didn't go. I see the Cum Laude diploma for the stay at home mom. I see a lack of discipline when it comes to eating and exercise. I see the photographer who satisfied the statistic of folding her business in three years. I see two little girls who need someone who mothers better than I do. I see an infinitely patient husband who walks on eggshells around me.
But what do I feel? Seriously, what do I really feel? I live as a steady flat line, with some serious valleys. No highs. No glee. No exuberance. I don't feel much at all. I try to be invisible. Moving about silently in the background, making sure the house is tidy, the clothes are clean and the children are fed. And then I retreat to my corner, hoping not to be disturbed. I spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing myself, trying vainly to decipher the moodiness and the desire to shrink away to nothingness.
I am so very uncertain of my purpose. Some days I sense that I was intended to do something bigger than I really am. Most days, though, I feel like I am here to be a highly educated, exceptionally organized, military trained caretaker. I cannot explain why this is a struggle for me. I see other women, equally gifted, equally educated, who fully embrace their life and honestly love it. LOVE it. That only serves to make me feel more inadequate and more dissatisfied with my lousy attitude.
The internal battle rages. Silently, but not without its victims. I see the impact of these tiny salvos in my children's lives. If I can just hang on for 16 more years..."
Right now, at this moment, I feel none of these things. At least not so strongly. I still have my misgivings and self doubts. But they are not all consuming. And I had a mini-epiphany the other night: I can control the life I live. Not the things that might happen to me, but the way I handle it, the way I go through my day to day. I am an adult, capable of creating an amazing atmosphere in my home for my family. Capable of holding dance parties with iTunes in the computer room. Capable of laughter and understanding and permission to my kids to be kids. I can make that choice.
I'm not saying everything is roses. And the rain never falls. But instead of rejecting the idea of playing in the rain, I suit my girls up in raincoats, rubber boots and umbrellas and let them stomp and splash to their childish hearts' content.
I do have reservations that the negative will blindside me at any moment. I have lived with that as my strongest companion for far too long. It is hard for me to accept happiness at face value. But right now, I am accepting it. And it feels glorious. Even on the rainy days.
6 comments:
What a moving post, Julie. I'm so glad to hear that you're in a better place now. I too, like most women I think, have had those down periods and it's amazing when you can come out of them and look back. You may have packed in the business but you continue to be an inspiration to other photographers (me included) and I'm sure you're an inspiration to many others in a variety of different ways. Thanks for sharing "you" and here's to lots of splish splashing moments in your future....
{PS I never did find that lightroom tutorial...sorry about that...but if you need a one on one via skype sometime, I'd be more than happy to help you out if you still need it...}
You should also add that you are a wonderful writer. On paper, you are wonderful. And, in real life, you are wonderful. I am glad that I met you. Whether you like it or not, people look up to you and admire you.
I work every day to wash my own stinky attitude and it's starting to smell a lot better.
I hope you do too. :)
i want you to know that whether you're there right now or not, you're not alone in those thoughts and feelings.
for over three years (and still sometimes even now), i battled with what i was here for. a world-class education being wasted on raising two independent children who don't really notice if i'm not playing alongside them. a former athlete melted into a size 16, always unhappy, always eating. i've been to the darkness, and some days you can still find me there.
it's what we do with the days we're bathed in light that really counts. happiness, i've learned, isn't some grand all-the-stars-aligned feeling. it's your favorite song on the radio on a sunny, crisp day that was otherwise rotten. it's the sky that looks like a painting for an hour before dusk. it's your children's unadulterated laughter. at least that's how it happens for me.
Thank you, for the encouragement, the reinforcement and letting me know I am not alone! Happiness is not at all like the movies, not even like a commercial. It is allowing yourself to feel and see the small stuff that brings a smile. For me, it has a lot to do with feeling worthy of happiness. That is the hard part, but when I stop fighting, it seems to come about on its own. Here I am, open to be happy!
Can I just say that I could have written this myself? Only this is me right now, not looking back after I've found the light. I'm so glad you are better now, and I hope to be someday as well :-)
I, too, have those times when the darkness closes in. It is cyclic with me, almost always hitting at the beginning of the month, and hardest during the winter when there is less light for me. What I've learned to do is just be patient....just wait. It's a hard thing to do, but if I ...just wait...this too shall pass.
I am glad you are not there now.
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